Snooping into your lover’s privacy

first_imgLifestyleRelationships Snooping into your lover’s privacy by: – December 30, 2011 Sharing is caring! 99 Views   one comment Share Sharecenter_img Tweet As exciting as the beginning of a relationship is, it’s also fraught with insecurity, which leads to all manner of upsetting behavior: jealous tirades, playing games, being clingy. All because you don’t know exactly what the other party is thinking or feeling — and no one wants to sound desperate by coming out and demanding: “Exactly what are you thinking or feeling?”That’s where snooping comes in. The lure of looking at something private…I admit it: I’ve stooped to snooping on boyfriends on many occasions. Most recently, it was the guy’s personal journals, which he’d conveniently left in an unlocked trunk (how cute, he trusted me). We’d been long-distance dating for awhile and I’d just flown in to see him, but I still wasn’t sure how seriously he took our relationship. I’ll just read this and then I’ll know exactly what’s going on, I thought. That’s the problem. You will know exactly what’s going on. And you might not like it. As I flipped through each notebook, scanning for my name — and, of course, any girl’s name — there was one that popped up again and again. Mia said this. Mia and I did that. Which would be fine if my name were Mia. But no: Mia was the friend of a friend he traveled with in Germany over the summer. Just a friend. Nothing going on there. But Mia got a lot of ink. Where’s my name? Scan, scan, scan. There it is. Carrie is coming to visit next week. Wonder how that will go. That’s it? By the time he returned home from work, I was curled up in a chair, mute with hurt and disappointment. And the worst part was, I couldn’t let it out. I wanted to rage at him. Why not just hook up with Mia and get it over with? Why are you leading me on like this? But all that really would tell him was this: I just read your diary, and I’m not happy with what I found. Yeah, that would go over great. Soon after my diary recon turned up an alarming lack of attachment to me, I extricated myself from the relationship. Spying into his private musings, I reasoned, had no doubt saved me a lot of time, energy and eventual heartbreak… or had my surreptitious behavior blown any chance I may have had of making things work? How common is the urge to spy on your partner?As abominable as many people may find my behavior, I’m hardly the only person who’s ever tried to navigate the dark jungle of a relationship by combing through diaries, scrutinizing credit card statements, or scrolling through cell phone messages. According to a Match.com poll of over 1,000 people, 1 in 10 of us snoop on our significant others regularly; an additional 27 percent said they would if there were reason to be suspicious. And technologies such as email, IM chat logs and text messaging have given us even more clues. Geri, for one, regularly checked her boyfriend Jake’s cell phone history to see whom he’d been calling while he was out of town.“At 11 p.m. each night, before he’d go out alone, he would make a call to a different girl,” she says. “Names I had never heard of before, so I knew they weren’t his friends.” The last straw was when she spotted a series of text messages between Jake and his ex-girlfriend, Rachel — and in one of them, he confessed how much he missed her. Jake, when confronted, swore Geri was reading too much into the message, putting Geri in a position where she almost regrets snooping in the first place. “What’s the point of looking? I’m not going to break up with him over a text message,” she says. “And now this has just created a wedge between us. He’s creeped out.” Deciphering the ill-gotten intelUnfortunately, many people who snoop find themselves in a “snooping limbo” of sorts: They know something’s up but aren’t certain what they know, if anything. Anne, who was poking around online and found that her boyfriend Bob’s page on a social networking site was linked to his ex-girlfriend’s, knows this truth all too well. She now checks both pages obsessively to see when both of them have last logged in, trying to suss out if the twosome were trading messages via the site before hooking up in secret. And, like all snoopers, she doesn’t want to rat herself out by confessing to her snooping behavior. “He might stop doing what he’s doing or find other ways of doing it, and then I’ll never know for sure if he’s doing anything at all,” she explains. What’s the moral these sordid stories have to offer? For starters, I’m not here to tell you not to take a peek at your honey’s private stuff, because that would be hypocritical. It may be distasteful to be a snoop, but perhaps there’s some benefit to it; after all, who knows how long I would have pursued my long-distance boyfriend without reading his diary? But I can also tell you that unless you see exactly what you want to see, snooping only inflames your already-heightened insecurities and will perhaps destroy a budding relationship that needs trust to get off the ground. And while some spying types might argue with me, looking through a date’s emails is not quite the same as looking into his or her heart. That’s one fortress that can never be broken into; it can only be given away. YAHOO Dating Tips and Advice Sharelast_img

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