Sausagefest: Fastest frank

first_imgSchmoldt says:Dave really needs to stop getting himself into arguments where he just has no chance of winning. Regardless of racing, when you think of Wisconsin, baseball in Milwaukee and tailgating you think of brats. Instead, he chooses the plainest of the bunch. I don’t care if he thinks he’s going the “American Way,” he’s not going the Wisconsin way.And what’s this I hear about Boston Marathons? Great, you can run long distances, but let’s see how you can do in a sprint around the track at Miller Park. According to the Milwaukee Brewers’ website, the Bratwurst has trained for the Olympics with the German national team. And he “intimidates all his other competitors with his muscular physique.”The Hot Dog “tries his best in what he does, and knows the effort was there even if the win was not.” That’s a load of trash. We all know that “You play to win the games.” The Bratwurst does whatever it takes to win — he refuses to lose. “Bratwurst trains like a machine, having not missed a day of weight lifting in years. He is very competitive, and wants nothing more than to win every race.” And he won on Opening Day this year — he wins on the biggest stages.In fact, the Hot Dog knows that the Bratwurst will go to great lengths to win any race. “Hot Dog once found his shoes in the trash only minutes before a race.”And what it really comes down to is style. The Bratwurst has the ultimate style in training and racing as well as fashion. Just look at those suspenders and the best mustache of the group. Don’t even get me going on the hats, and tell the Hot Dog to wipe that stupid smile off his face.Besides, what does Dave know about picking winners on the track? We all know he hates racing.McGrath says:If you were to cough up the $100 appearance fee for Hot Dog, you would paying for the most expensive weenie this side of Eric Schmoldt, who shows up for the “low, low price” of only three payments of $79.98, plus tax.However, unlike in the case of Mr. Schmoldt you would be getting yourself quite a bargain with Hot Dog, who is without a doubt top dog of the sausage racers.Hot Dog is by far the youngest of the sausages, having only joined the group in 1990, and therefore has the freshest legs, giving him a natural advantage.No sausage is as dedicated a runner as Hot Dog, who has completed three Boston Marathons and has the reputation of being the gym rat of the bunned meat racers.However, the true reason you don’t want to pick against Hot Dog is because you don’t want him or his posse on your bad side. That’s right, Hot Dog has a posse, don’t let the bill forwards hat deceive you.When you start to bring hate to Hot Dog, he’s liable to go back to his roots, where he ran the street and not races, and bring his boyz Corn Dog, Chili Dog, Cheese Dog and his infamous cousin Chicago Style Hot Dog. Snoop Dogg is even rumored to be a part of the gang, but he has never been found guilty.That gang, known on the streets as the “Ketchup Kings” or the KK, won’t just bury you in relish, they’ll bury your family in mustard while they’re at it.However, the dark side of the Hot Dog is easily forgotten, or even brushed aside as he is just so darn charismatic. That smile and those rug burns, plus the fact that he is a dead ringer for Nomar Garciaparra.So pick Hot Dog, not just because he’s the fastest, or the best, or the most charismatic. Pick him because you should be afraid not too.last_img

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